Jimmy's Blog: Episode 4

Hello and welcome to Beauty and the OH MY GOD PRO WRESTLING!

Let’s make no mistake about this. I am a MASSIVE pro wrestling fan. From Hulk Hogan to Steve Austin to CM Punk I LOVE me some sports entertainment. But will our Geeky Luchadores be able to match the mettle of our own AWF Superstars? Let’s find out! This is going to be great.

We start with more cuteness from Rich and Greta and more bonding from Kristy and Jason. Dane makes Millie’s bed in what I’m sure is supposed to be sweet but might come off a little creepy to the casual observer. The girls discuss Nathan’s “Dolla Dolla Bill” y’all and we head to Panthers for the first challenge. Here we go ladies and gentlemen. TONIGHT! IN THIS VERY RING!

Jason and Kristy discuss badass-ness. It is clear exactly how much fun he’s having here. Alin and “The Great Dane” start what is bound to be one of the best gimmicks Aussie Pro Wrestling has seen in a while and Kim beats Rich with a few surprise moves. The beauties paw over outfits and FINALLY, IN FRONT OF A SOLD OUT CROWD…

GEEK CHALLENGE: Intellectual Smackdown!

Bernard gives Mean Gene Okerland for his money with his announcement of the challenge. Now, I could be wrong, but I think I saw a couple of former geeks in the crowd shots! HI GUYS! GOOD TO SEE YOU!

It’s over to Kristy to introduce “Tiny Dancer” (Jason) who has more than a little "Macho Man" Randy Savage about him. His opponent? Massive Q, one of Australian Wrestling’s, ahem, biggest stars. After a brilliant flying cross-body block and a bitch-slap Q hits some kind of lifting Boston crab airplane spin and a big splash and its over.

Greta brings “Doctor Pain” (Yiran) to the ring and it is so so good to see an Asian superstar in a non martial arts based gimmick. Progress? Anyway he has the bad luck of facing Jay Law. It’s much less of a squash match that ends in a hard clothesline from Law and a three-count.

Kim brings out “Chopper Rich” (Rich) who kinda looks like what the 1960’s thought the Year 2000 would look like. I kinda feel like we’re battling through time because his opponent is Gladiator Apollo, who is an ACUTAL ROMAN GLADIATOR. This is silly, but not the silliest thing I’ve seen in Pro Wrestling. Rich takes a few stiff shots and hands a nasty chair-shot (via Kim’s assistance) to Apollo, but it’s not enough to keep the Roman down.

Ok, this is the best gimmick ever… “The Chardinator” (Chard)is like some kind of combination of Arnold Schwarzenegger and Mad Max if they were Vikings. He rains blows down upon Q with massive windups and even a splash from the 2nd rope but falls victim to the choke-slam and that’s all she wrote.

Jessica brings down “ATM” (Nathan) who, like Ted DiBiasi and The Ultimate Warrior before him, is playing up the millionaire and feathers gimmick quite well. Dean Draven (who is huge) is his opponent and it’s hard for me to watch. Draven is working way too stiff with someone who’s never worked a match before and Nathan could very well have been injured. Mercifully it ends with a splash.

The “Webmaster” (Cody) appears to have taken a few tips from the likes of heels from the 1980’s talking waaaaaaaaaaay too much before Apollo NAILS him from behind (I’m trying to fit one sentence I regret writing into every blog, that’s this weeks) and finally “Dangerous Dane” survives Jay Law’s Boston Crab. After some deliberation our winner is…

CHARD! God I hope he got to keep that belt. Well done!

So Dane and Millie have an amazingly awkward but kinda adorable conversation where I think something might be happening. Sparks flying. Let’s keep an eye on those two in the near future.

Onto the Beauty challenge. I would like to address something about the last episode. I mentioned how much I disliked the Manliness challenge. This challenge, to me anyway, was playing into today’s outdated stereotypes of what a man should be. I’m sure that this was a one time only thing and I’m sure that the show will avoid making these kinds of mass generalisations about what a person should be based on their gender...

Sigh. Etiquette training? Well this is a letdown after the awesome that was the last challenge. Ok, let’s see our beauties go from flower selling urchins to proper ladies. Oh god this is My Fair Lady isn’t it?

Our Henry Higgins in this venture is someone named June Dally Watkins, but with a name like that teaching women how to dress and be refined was probably her destiny. That is, I’m writing this on a Friday morning and I need a stiff drink.

BEAUTY CHALLENGE: Pygmalion (look it up)

There are three rounds to this challenge. First is a race with a book on your head, after which you must say a tongue twister. I don’t get how this makes you a lady at all. Greta and Chontelle (who look like ladies to me) don’t qualify apparently. Holding a conversation with a complete stranger is the 2nd part of the challenge, implying that if a woman can’t walk with a book on her head she isn’t worth talking to. I think I must have a different definition of conversation, because that guy isn’t saying a word. It’s really a monologue. Kristy, Alin and Jess get through. Round three is eating something and then offering something positive to say about it. So women who can walk with a book on their head and talk at a person about something are the only women who deserve food and even then they must realise how lucky they are to have this. I’m going to skip through this before I get too angry. Our winner is Alin. Well done.

Nathan and Jess hug it out and we have another view of “the conversation.” It comes basically down to the flip of a coin. Nominations happen and our teams that are going into the elimination challenge are Jason and Kristy and Nathan and Jessica. It should be a fair fight I... what the hell?!

NO! NO! NO!. This is some SERIOUS bull. We are VOTING to see who goes?! Are you kidding me?! This is ridiculous. It’s not hard enough that you need to nominate your friends, you now actively decide who goes!? NO! In this farce of an elimination Nathan and Jess get kicked out. I am so sorry guys, that is terrible.

Holy hell that was an angry blog, I’m sorry about that. I’ll try to be less full of rage next week.

See ya

FANGO - The social way to watch TV