Can marriage ever really work the second time around? A MAFS expert weighs in

There's an old saying about how love can be sweeter the second time around, but is that really true? Can you really resuscitate a once-dead love story? The 're-coupling' of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez — while high-profile and much-publicised — obviously brought with it a sense of optimism but also significant challenges.

The pair, who were initially engaged in the early 2000s, rekindled their romance nearly two decades later and finally tied the knot in 2022.

And despite their clear chemistry and affection for each other, it seems that scores of very dear friends, confidants, close family members and unnamed sources have been (allegedly) telling the well-read gossip vessels that they’ve been seen arguing in public, multiple times. Of course, this suggests enormous relationship struggles as opposed to, perhaps, minor disputes about what ice cream they might feel like getting tonight. But that’s by the by.

According to these "close friend" quotes, some of the key factors influencing their "relationship woes" include the pressure of public scrutiny, their busy schedules, and the complexities of blending their families. Sounds like most families, really.

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Lopez has acknowledged the emotional transition of merging their families, indicating that while it has been fulfilling, it has also brought challenges. The couple has been working to address these issues, with (yet again, mainly unnamed) sources noting their effort to save the marriage amid these struggles.

Rekindled romance can work, but very rarely

History teaches us that while rekindling an old romance can work — think Ben Stiller and Christine Taylor who split in 2017, only to reunite during Covid and are still going strong today — the majority of couples who tried again are doomed to fail.

The countless examples from celebrity land include Melanie Griffith and Don Johnson who divorced in 1976, before coming back to each other in 1989. They had daughter Dakota Johnson, only to divorce again in 1996. There's also Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon who first married in 2007, had their marriage annulled in 2008 and then remarried in 2014 only to divorce the following year.

And, of course, the classic example is Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton, who married each other twice, with their second marriage also ending in divorce.

Second marriages tend to have higher divorce rates than first marriages. According to the US Census Bureau, about 60 per cent of second marriages end in divorce compared to around 50 per cent of first marriages.

There's limited specific data on remarriages to the same person but anecdotal evidence and some psychological studies suggest that while some couples manage to resolve previous issues and build a stronger relationship the second time, many (aka most) do not.

Relationship expert weighs in on repeat love

I'm a big fan of dating and relationship coach Mel Schilling who serves as a MAFS expert in Australia and the UK and I asked her whether she thinks second-time relationships can work. She said they can, but boy, it’s going take a lot of work to get it back into shape.

“I believe second-time marriages can work but with a huge caveat. It’s absolutely imperative that all the issues that arose in the first marriage are dealt with each partner,” she told me from the UK.

Schilling said new boundaries need to be set as essentially a renewed relationship is a blank slate and it is the start of a new relationship.

“So both partners have to take responsibility for what may have happened in the last relationship and they need to work together on a new strategy about how they are going to do things differently in their new relationship.

“I think it is important these couples don’t get caught up in the romance of a second-time marriage. After all, we are talking about being back together in a relationship that may not have been incredibly positive in the first place.

Celebrities under particular pressure

Schilling said she thinks the temptation for celebrities to get back together just to please others can be huge, so it’s important the couple get together and seriously regroup about where they are at and that they are doing this for the right reasons and not for the fans and the external factors.

“When it comes to a celebrity couple, it always does seem even more pronounced as not only are they being watched on every level and making sure they are getting it right, but there are so many external factors.”

Each relationship is unique — wouldn’t that be boring if that wasn’t a reality — and while some may find success, others might face similar issues that led to the initial breakup.

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So while second-time marriages or relationships with the same person can (very rarely) work out, the odds are not in their favour, unless there is significant effort to resolve past issues and for both parties to have grown substantially and individually.

Here's hoping Ben and Jen can make it work and these public tiffs are not a sign of worse things to come!

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